If You’re the anti-bride…
Do you want to spend your entire engagement sipping champagne and celebrating or arguing over seating charts and guest lists with your loved ones?
The idea of making hundreds of wedding decisions makes you physically cringe. Unlike the other two types of brides you are probably coming into this whole wedding planning thing with few to zero preconceived ideas about decorations that you want. You have no clue why so many boutonnieres are required (in fact what the heck even is a boutonniere).
The only thing you know for certain about your wedding is you want it to be the biggest, happiest, most wonderful day that your family and friends have ever been a part of. You want your people to say “that was the best wedding ever” but you don’t want to have to sacrifice your sanity to get there. Anti-brides often use the words “real” or “authentic” to describe the vibe that they are looking for.
Our very best advice for a bride like you is: Just let someone else do it.
If wedding planning makes you crazy, then why not just find someone who not only likes it, but it actually SPECTACULAR at it… Someone you can trust with every detail, big and small. Just so you know, this is us advising you to hire an actual professional. Do not, and we repeat do not, have a friend or family member do this. These people that love wedding planning may end up recreating their own wedding dreams instead of yours. It takes a real professional to get your dream right without accidentally involving their own dreams and bias or pulling you into every single decision.
Here is our perspective on all things wedding day that will most suite you as an anti-bride:
*Quick disclaimer: we are an all-inclusive venue that does ALMOST all these things in house. This is our perspective that we have developed over the years (and hundreds of weddings) to help brides like yourself have their dream wedding without sacrificing their engagement or their sanity.
Planning and Coordination
You are going to need someone who does both of these things. A planner will get you through the months leading up to your big day, while a coordinator will make sure everything is running smoothly day of. You need a great combination of the two. Another drawback to not hiring a professional to plan your wedding, is that when a day of coordinator did not plan the wedding, they won’t understand the wedding deeply or have the respect of vendors. A wedding is an intricate woven process, made perfect by everyone working cohesively together. That is one of the biggest perks about leaving it in the hands of the coordinator, is that they have worked with the other vendors and staff before the big day, and administratively everything will be a lot smoother than if you left it in the hands of your sister or mother.
We must warn you however, although we want you to not have to worry about any of the details, as an anti-bride type, it is important to not be too casual and miss the opportunity to make the day yours.
Here are some IMPORTANT things to consider FOR a smooth, drama-free wedding:
Seating Chart
A seating chart to you as an anti-bride might seem like too much structure, or you don’t want your guests to feel micromanaged. However, through our experience, doing weddings without seating charts ends up being SO awkward for your guests. Some of your guests that may not know everyone else at your wedding will feel like walking into the cafeteria at middle school, wondering who is going to want to sit with them. The last several families entering the dining room will rarely find an open table and will have to walk around looking for empty seats at others’ tables. A seating chart eliminates any confusion or worry about where they are going to sit and erases all drama or stress that may have resulted.
Providing Guests with enough info to get to your wedding easily, and know what to expect for the night
Whether your wedding is located in a rural location like Chanteclaire, or in the middle of a big city, you want your guests to know exactly what they need to expect when they get there. For example, Its important for your guests to know what accommodations will be available to them, like hotels and parking. If your venue is in the middle of the city and guests have to park in a parking garage, its important to include all that information about where the closest one is, and how far it is from the venue.
Likewise, in a rural location you don’t want your guests to get lost on some old windy road because google maps sent them there. A great wedding planner can help you make sure all the directions about how to get there are properly communicated with your guests.
Its also important to properly communicate to your guests how long the night is planning on being, so everyone comes prepared with everything they will need for that time frame and you won’t have guests wanting to leave early.
Day-of Coordination
You will need this – we promise. It is critical for an anti-bride, otherwise you will have to make day-of decisions, which is your bride types nightmare.
A day of coordinator will work with you ahead of time to make sure you know they have taken care of all those little details, so you have peace of mind about every aspect of your wedding day.
Timeline - keeping it short and simple
Guests can get super frustrated if things don’t move along smoothly and every little moment drags out on your wedding, so although as an Anti-bride type, you may feel be more inclined to just wing it, we recommend you have some structure so things do not drag out longer than they need to.
Toasts: try to only do 2, plus a short speech at the end of dinner. Keeping the toasts very short is best. If you want more toasts to make things more authentic, we recommend doing this at the rehearsal dinner, where all the people who would care and want to hear them would be there. Trust us here, you will not like the results of doing toasts that are long or many toasts at the wedding. Guests at the wedding just want food, drinks and to relax, not to listen to a long speech. Short and sweet is what we highly recommend here.
Wedding Traditions
Why are wedding traditions, traditions? If the only reason you are doing a bouquet toss is because your future mother-in-law expects you to, then maybe you should ditch the traditions. Based on your bride type, you may not really be into these anyway – so if this is you, we recommend not doing them and just getting the party started instead. During the reception, guests are happiest when they aren’t having to pay attention to someone else. So do introductions, cut your first dance down to 90 seconds, and then eat dinner and dance your butts off. None of the other traditions are absolutely necessary. Do a few short ones or skip them all together.
On a Feminist Note – many wedding traditions unfortunately have horrific sexist back stories that might make an anti-bride cringe. You can truly skip all this standard stuff if you are not into it. With or without the standard traditions, your wedding will still be just as much fun for your guests.
Biggest risk associated with this for your type: Making up new traditions that are complicated or take too long as a way of bucking old traditions.
Making up new traditions requires knowing a lot about how weddings flow, and you don’t want to experiment with something new on such a big day. A great wedding planner will help you navigate your ideas and ensure they work well.
The Ceremony
We recommend having a meaningful and thought provoking ceremony, written about love and the both of you. Get down the aisle anyway you feel like it, don’t let any other “should” thoughts enter your mind. Just like the wedding traditions after the ceremony, if there are any here you don’t like, don’t feel obligated to do them. However, once again, keep it short and sweet. These days, ceremonies lasting longer than 25 minutes will start to get boring for guests… as short as 10 minutes is actually just fine. Say meaningful words, get the legal stuff done and get to cocktail hour.
Decorations/Florals
Hire a creative Florist. Here are a couple hacks to finding and hiring a great florist without learning a lot about florals or spending a lot of time researching.
Hack #1:
Just look at their website. If they are members of buying groups like 1-800-FLOWERS or Tele-Flora, etc. they are going to have really boring, generic photos, which means the flowers are all coming from the same generic source and the florist uses a pre-set formula to design each arrangement. Find a florist where the website is clearly all their own custom work, and you immediately sense their talent, design aesthetic, and style.
Hack #2
When a florist tells you that they can work with any budget, be wary. Many will cut the size of your arrangements until they look skimpy or they will substitute blooms that change the overall look of the arrangement. A great creative florist will advise that most budget friendly arrangements use mostly greenery and other design elements like lanterns and antiques from thrift stores. If your budget is low enough to risk florals looking cheap, they will advise you to decorate in these other ways rather than give you something unattractive. This is the best way to discover if you can trust your florist.
Back both of these hacks up with good online reviews, and you’re done.
Photography
The idea of standing around in different poses for an anti-bride sounds horrible. Most anti-brides can’t even imagine having to smile for hours straight while posing. Easy way to fix this? – find a photographer that is great at subtle candid shots. Our favorite photos are always the candid ones anyway- where a father is teary-eyed or the bride and groom are embracing in a private moment.
You’ll have to resist the older generations (like your grandparents) thinking you should take formal family portraits. They are simply leaning on the way things were done in their youth. You are not required by any means to do any of the traditional posed photos. A talented photographer can get all the great photos you need without doing a formal photo shoot.
Another hack if you are uncomfortable posing, but still want to take a few more formal photos: find a photographer that teaches you to pose well, or tricks you into doing things that look good for photos. For example, I know one that teaches you to fake laugh. It might feel a little silly in the moment, but the pictures always turn out great. Another photographer I know has couples walk towards her. This results in very natural motions and tricks you into relaxing a bit.
DJ
You want your wedding to be the party of a lifetime. Your DJ will be in charge of this.
Our advice? Hire a DJ that focuses on reading the crowd, adapting to them so everyone gets on the dance floor. Using music as a tool to make guests comfortable. Let the DJ guide you on genres that will help accomplish this. In turn, you’ll have to guide them on whether you’re a dance-loving type of crowd, or if your dance floor will only be super full when a great sing-along comes on.
Make sure the DJ you select doesn’t like to make too many announcements. As an anti-bride you may already not like being the center of attention. It’s FAR worse when your DJ wants the spotlight. You want a DJ that wants the group mood to take precedence over all other things.
So when searching for a DJ, look for these ideas, and stay away from vendors who’s websites talk only about mixing skills or lighting effects.
Food
The key here is quality. I’ve seen a pasta buffet done perfectly at a more casual wedding. However, at a venue that isn’t a backyard potluck type of wedding, you wouldn’t want a meal that so closely resembled what you would serve at home on a weekday. (Even though pasta is awesome)
For example, at Chanteclaire farm we focus on comfort food that is also found at elegant European estates. (like steak, duck, or crab cakes.) All very filling, and all very high quality. Nothing too pretentious or too casual. No guests feel like you didn’t serve them enough, but they are also not bogged down by starchy food and not able to dance afterwards.
Great Food = guest happiness. Never let the quality of the food suffer. Skimping out here is one of the worst places to do so.
Alcohol
Just keep the bar simple. Too many choices is confusing. Four solid basics plus mixers, 2 beers and three wines. This saves you a lot of energy on planning what kind of alcohol you are going to have at the bar. Your guests won’t be disappointed with a few solid choices.
Cake
One of the things we LOVE about Anti-brides is that you’re typically fine with the simple cake, but also fine with something a little more avante guard. You are not worried that ten years from now you may not agree with your choice of cake done in dark icing. Because the cake design is not as important to you as its taste, you sometimes allow the baker to be much more creative. This is fun and guests love seeing something different.
Venue
Okay… I’ll admit our bias is going to show up here. BUT! Venues that do everything in house are just the easiest experience ever for your type. At Chanteclaire, we love being a venue that does almost all the wedding services for you. Here, we have one invoice, one payment schedule, one point of contact for everything. You have one big planning meeting, where it all gets handed to you basically on a silver platter. Decisions done this way are fun once if you trust the expertise of the people working with you. You get to totally relax and trust the process. One way to build this trust is when your venue staff makes a effort to understand you as people. They can then apply experience to your vision. Once the trust is there, you are done making most decisions. They can give you options and even make educated guesses at what is most “you”.
For the Anti-bride, the most services in one place, the better. It is less overall hassle and you don’t have to worry about any missing pieces or trying to get everyone to work together
You're the Realist.
While you have ideas and thoughts about your wedding day, you should have a great professional team to help you out.
You are comfortably in between the anti-bride and the perfectionist bride types. While you have ideas and thoughts about your wedding day, you also know you cannot do it all by yourself. You want to hire a professional team to make the event perfect. You want your family and friends to be there to enjoy the day instead of helping decorate it.
Our Advice to You
Throughout the wedding planning process, you are going to have to make some decisions, and there will be a lot of people who have input. We also know that you have people-pleasing tendencies and will feel the pressure to just accommodate other people’s opinions even if you don’t agree. Unlike the anti-bride you have ideas of what you want, but if you have a team of experts alongside you, the total pressure to make every decision will not be just on you.
Planning and Coordination
Planning and coordination being executed smoothly is already a goal at the top of your wedding to-do list…(Which we think is a fantastic idea by the way.) You can share your thoughts and ideas, but of course you will want a great planner alongside you who will help you execute them, and keep the stress to a minimum by guiding you on anything you have questions about.
Wedding Traditions
As a realist, you like a few of the wedding traditions…like the generation dance or cutting the cake. If you want to include some traditions on your wedding day that have meaning to you and your family, then do them! However, if your mom is making you do a bouquet toss only because your cousin did one at her wedding, but the idea of doing one makes you cringe, then don’t be afraid to stand your ground. Kindly but firmly explain to your mom that you don’t want an outdated tradition that you have to force people on the dance floor for. You should only include wedding traditions that make you excited to do them, and that you think will improve your guests time. You are not obligated to do any of these traditions to please anyone else.
The Ceremony
We understand as a people-pleaser you may run into some issues here. However, this is the most special part of the day for you and your partner, so we advise you to not let any “shoulds” come into play. It can become overwhelming to have everyone else’s input and you may feel like just giving in to avoid the conflict. However, we recommend that you don’t lose hope and get lost in other people’s expectations. get down the aisle anyway that feels right for you, and don’t lose sight of what’s important. That’s why having a wedding planner to guide you through it is such a great relief, as they guide you along and make your wishes about the ceremony into reality while acting as a mediator for any possible disagreements that may arise.
Decorations/Florals
For florals, even though you may have an idea of what you are looking for, we advise you to enlist the help of your planner and your florist for guidance here. They will ensure that you are getting the best for your budget. As a realist, you may have it in your head that you can only have a smaller bouquet to ensure that everyone else has a big enough bouquet, or so that you you have enough flowers to go on each table. However, a great florist will help you make sure all your bouquets and decorations will be full and beautiful regardless of your budget without sacrifice. This can be done by just using more greenery, or being more creative with table centerpieces. Go into this process with the ideas of what you want, and the experts will help you execute the best options for you.
Photography
You will need a photographer that is great at both posed shots and candid ones. You are looking for a nice mix of both, but you also do not want to spend hours and hours taking posed photos. We recommend finding a photographer that will be receptive to your wishes and communicates well throughout the process, so they are aware of your style and how you want your photos to turn out so that the style of the photographer won’t clash with yours. Communication is key here, and you can discover what type of photographer you are looking for what by researching the photographer’s photos ahead of time and meeting with them and discussing it. We recommend that you take recommendations on where to find a photographer from the wedding venue you are using. They will recommend photographers that have photographed there before, and the photographers will have experience on how to take pictures in that space.
DJ
We know as a realist you want to give your DJ a playlist of great songs and give them instructions on what (and what not) to play. However, there are additional things a DJ must know to create a great experience for you and your guests. It’s important that your DJ is a professional and an experienced DJ. You want to know that your DJ won’t compromise on what you want but will also please your guests. A great DJ will work with you on what type of music will most appeal to everyone. This is achieved by the DJ having the skills to read the crowd, execute smooth transitions, and isn’t continually leaving the booth to roam around.
Food
As a realist bride type, you may be concerned about costs associated with food and having enough to feed everybody. Here is our advice to you: for wedding food, quality over quantity should be chosen everytime. – And choosing quality does not mean you have to skimp out! You may have ideas of what food you would like to serve but meet with the chef and discuss what foods are elegant and very filling (like steak, crab cakes or duck.) Using a salad bar also is a way to create elegant dishes for your guests and give them something additional to eat.
Alcohol
We recommend keeping it at a simple: a few basics plus mixers, 2 beers or so and three wines. Discuss with your planner your family’s favorite drinks, but if you are unsure, don’t be afraid to get information from your bar tender on what drinks are crowd-pleasers. This saves you a lot of energy on planning what kind of alcohol you are going to have at the bar and keeps you from purchasing too many different types of alcohol that will end up going unused, while all the crowd favorites run out early in the night.
Venue
As a realist, you want the truth without any beating around the bush. You want everything to line up and coordinate without any surprises. This is why we think an all-inclusive venue is a good fit for your type. An all-inclusive venue tells you exactly what to expect and how much it is going to cost straight off the bat, and you don’t have to do the math about how much services will cost and what services you will need and so on….
Everything is laid out to you as a blank canvas and can be personalized based on your style and what you are looking for. Will an all-inclusive venue, everything is coordinated and designed to be cohesive in an all in one experience. All you have to do is give your input and the team will work with you to make decisions to achieve your vision.
You’re the Perfectionist.
You know exactly what you want, and that is what you’ll get. You have a team of family and friends that will be there to help you every step of the way.
We get it girl, you want this to be the best day of your life, that means it must be perfect. But we advise you to let professionals help you leading up to the time of your wedding, so it will be remembered as enjoyable instead of a stressful confusing process. You don’t want to remember your wedding as a time where you have argued with your mother about where you sat a cousin that you haven’t seen in five years.
This is our advice to you: don’t stress it, let the pros help you out.
Planning and Coordination
We know, you want to do all the planning and all the coordination, and what you can’t do you’ll enlist the help of your family and bridesmaids. From our experience, that is not the best idea here. Your wedding, and the months leading up to it, will be filled with bias opinions and clashing with family members. We advise you to instead of doing everything yourself with your family, that you hire an unbiased professional to help, to mediate any conflict and guide you through the whole process. This will take the stress off you and your people.
Wedding Traditions
As a perfectionist, you love traditions. Bouquet toss, cake cutting, apron dance, you want it all. But here’s something your guests might be too polite to let you know: Traditions when overdone are no longer enjoyable. It can be difficult to get all the single ladies on the dance floor, the apron dance takes five to many songs to complete, and your guests may rather just get the party started. If you can’t find reasons to convince yourself that you really need that super awkward garter placement, then don’t over-do it with the traditions. If you are dead set on having them, pick one or two of your favorites and keep it short and sweet.
The Ceremony
The most important part of the day is of course what you’ve planned the most for! You want this moment to be absolutely perfect – and we agree with you! However, we have some tips here to ensure this. As a perfectionist, you have most likely written pages and pages of meaningful and beautiful vows and want to incorporate many traditions. Although these can be beautiful and touching, it is possible to have too much of a good thing. Try not to go too overboard with the vows as this can eventually bore the guests and ruin the mood of this perfect moment. Say what’s most important and keep it short and romantic for the best result. You don’t want your guests slumped in their seats anticipating the end of your ceremony because its so long, but rather on the edge of their seats filled with excitement about this beautiful moment.
Decorations/Florals
Your idea for your decorations and flowers is to buy either fake ones to DIY or from a distributor and then have your people help you put it all together. This way you can ensure that everything will be the way you want it to be. Our suggestion here, is to instead use your flower budget to go big on your bouquet and other flowers and then explore other options for centerpieces. You can use books, or photos, or even bird cages. The options are endless, and replacing centerpieces will not sacrifice the overall look, while sacrificing great and full bouquets for cheaper or fake ones will be noticeable. Not skimping out on the flowers will be one of the best choices aesthetically leading up to the wedding day. We highly recommend working with an experienced and professional florist to achieve this goal.
Photography.
You may want your focus for photography to be posed shots, and you aren’t necessarily worried about how long it takes to get your entire list done. However, that keeps your guests waiting, and can kill the mood for rest of the event. You don’t want your guests leaving before the party even gets started, but that can happen if you and your wedding party disappear and your guests are standing around wondering where everyone is and what is going to happen next. A great solution to this is hiring a photographer to take only a few posed shots, and the rest be great candid photos taken while you are enjoying time with your guests.
DJ
We know, you only want your list of music to be played. Nothing else. But that’s a bad idea from our experience. Your taste in music isn’t what everyone else’s taste in music is, and it may not even be music that is possible to dance to or that everyone knows the words to. If you play only your playlist then most likely your crowd won’t even hit the dance floor, and that is one of the worst things to happen at a wedding. Instead, we recommend that you work with the DJ and get some input on what type of music will best suit a crowd. A great DJ will read the crowd and come up with the best playlist that will suit you and your guests.
Food
As a perfectionist, you want the food to be your most favorite foods ever and it to be lavish and a great part of the night. We agree with you that the food should be amazing, but if your most favorite food is something a little out-there, we recommend taking the Chef’s recommendations and picking your favorite – something you will love but will also make your guests super happy. Trust us on this, The food at a wedding is one of the most memorable parts, and will make the night all the more perfect if the guests remember a delicious meal.
Alcohol
Your type may be inclined to go full DIY when it comes to the alcohol – signature drinks everywhere. However, similar to the food, we recommend keeping it at a simple and guest friendly: a few basics plus mixers, 2 beers or so and three wines. If drinks are too elaborate and too taste specific, it may turn off guests from drinking at the wedding which certainly puts a damper on the mood. Picking more crowd friendly drinks and only including maybe one of your signature drinks is your best bet.
Cake
Can the cake be eight tiers tall? Can it be covered in the most intricate and beautiful icing details from base to top? – These are the questions your type has about the cake. Your bride type likes to go ALL OUT with the wedding cake. As wedding cake professionals, we get it that a beautiful cake surely is a spectacular edition to your big day. However, although you have the perfect dream cake all planned out, before you tell the baker we HIGHLY recommend taking input from the venue about what type of cake will work in the space. Depending on refrigeration room, temperature of the venue or whether or not the venue is indoor or outdoor, certain types of icing may not be possible or the cake might be restricted to a specific height. If the cake you imagined does not work with your venue, it is not worth the risk of the cake melting or getting squished in the fridge. If you must have a certain type of cake and are not willing to modify it, be sure the venue you choose has the capability to handle it. In addition, we recommend finding a venue that has its own wedding cake decorator or a wedding cake decorator well acquainted with the venue that will stay until the cake cutting, so they can be there to fix any possible slip ups. An outside wedding cake baker most of the time just drops off the cake and leaves, so if anything goes wrong, you are left high and dry.
Venue
Your type tends to like having full control, and to modify and create every little detail and aspect of the wedding experience to create your dream wedding. If that is you to a T, an all-inclusive wedding venue is not for you. If you want to control your whole wedding and do everything yourself in the first place, there’s not really a point to hiring a team to help you coordinate the whole thing, as they will just stand in your way.
However, if you are someone that just wants your wedding to be perfect, but you are willing to be flexible and let go of the reigns a little, we highly recommend using an all-inclusive venue. To truly create a perfect experience, you must be willing to work with what is best based off professional experience on weddings and not off your wedding Pinterest board. Your tastes can be incorporated to modify and enhance the experience, but it should not overwhelm it and make it to complicated. You don’t want to distract from what truly matters on your big day, which is celebrating your loved ones and the beginning of your marriage with your partner.